And then it hit ... continued

 On further reflection, that last post doesn't say much that I haven't said elsewhere.

-I get sick

-I have trouble resting

-I feel bad about missing work

The thing I want to add here is that this isn't just any sick. This is the big one, the one that has completely changed the world we live in and has sown division among us. So one of the tricky things has been for me to even believe I have it. Another is that my second-guessing thoughts are about asymptomatic people who say it's no big deal. Then my brain goes to numbers of people who've died. 

I found myself watching this entire series of "Explaining the Pandemic to my Past Self." I don't think I'd have a brain for it most of the time but suddenly it was really important to me to take a step back and see where I'm holding in this hold timeline. 

And then there was this too:

That's all I could handle of thinking about what we're living in now. After that it was time to go read. That's the other thing I want to say here. I've been battling my "should"s all my life. The past week and I have I keep thinking I should go work on report cards, and then I keep discovering I just can't yet. I'm learning to trust myself a little better. It's harder than it sounds, but I have a beginner's mind and can always learn a little more.  

And then it hit

I've been really missing my blog. I've been thinking about it regularly and today is the perfect day to write what I'm up to.

So here we've been in the pandemic now for over 2 years. The anxiety of wondering how things would go if it came to our family has been a lot. The shoe finally dropped for me in the form of my catching COVID. So far my family is perfectly fine, thankfully.

I won't go into all the details, but I do want to share where I'm holding today. Last week on Monday I was already feeling ill. I was certain it was allergies. I got a PCR Tuesday night which is when I tested positive. The remainder of the week was spent in bed with bad cold/flu symptoms. 

Over the weekend I started to really recover. U kicked me out of the house to take a walk when he saw me fidgeting. Sunday afternoon I continued to push myself. I did a few loads of laundry (which means using stairs a lot) and went for two walks, one short and one long. The shorter one winded me, but later the longer one (15 minutes) was great. 

By evening, though, I was short of breath and realized I might not make it to work Monday.

Sure enough... Monday was a fight to breathe. My doctor put me on steroid inhalers and, by afternoon when it still wasn't resolving, prednisone as well. 

The day felt like a giant panic. I was so frustrated with my inability to control the day for my students. The tightness in my chest led to natural panic too. All day my colleagues told me remotely to stop worrying, but I couldn't. My supervisor talked me down from worrying about the whole week and told me to take things one day at a time. 

Today's another story. I'm still needing to go slow, to respect both my lungs and the effects of the medicines, but I feel more ease about doing so. I'm starting to trust more to my colleagues and am most grateful for the ones who are actively communicating with me. 

(I'll make a note of that. Could be others would like the same from me when are situations are reversed. I'll try to ask in the future.)

This certainly brings up memories of when I had cancer, of when I've had to take care of myself differently, but I accept those memories fairly comfortably. It doesn't hold the same darkness or worry that it once did. 

I'm worried about tomorrow. I don't know how to judge when I'm ready to return and I don't know yet what my plans will be for my students (or what to just turn over to others), but I'm feeling more like maybe I can wait and see. 

Yes, I can take it one day at a time. Thanks to the person who told me to do that. And thanks to her too for letting my students call me and wish me better.