Bat Mitzvah Redo 2016

12 is a terrible age to have a bat mitzvah. I don't know if it's true for others, but when I was that age I felt like my skin didn't fit, I was uncomfortable in front of a group and I didn't have the slightest idea who I even was or how I fit into Judaism.

But now I'm an adult, and I feel so much better about myself, about being Jewish, about everything. Over the years I've followed my own path experimenting with becoming more and more committed, first through gravitating to very observant communities, and later by holding onto my observance but simultaneously discovering progressive and sometimes egalitarian communities in which I could actively become much more of a participant.

So a few years ago as I began to learn how to lein and lead services in my partnership minyan, Minyan Tiferet, I had the idea that maybe I would try again and have a bat mitzvah-type celebration. Doing this would give me an opportunity to actively and maturely demonstrate my relationship to Judaism and to the community by doing the sorts of rituals that are normally done in a bar or bat mitzvah service.

So around October of last year I finally began learning to lein this past week's parsha Be'ha'ah'lotkha.
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Cheese

The other day ND climbed into bed with us.

U. said, "Climb between us and you can be the cheese in our sandwich."

ND: I need to put my legs on top of yours because the cheese usually sticks out of the sandwich a little.

U: OK, but you should be quiet now. Right now you're acting like chatter cheese.

Me: It would be better if you were shush cheese.

ND: But I have to make a lot of noise because I'm yell-ow cheese.

ND's piano recital

I'm way behind, mainly because I have a post in mind that will need some real attention.

But here's a quickie.

Hurricane Sandy Part 12

Now it's just day after day of waiting for power to return to the school. Yesterday we had a playdate with friends who needed to charge their various "devices" at our house. Today another friend came for that same person and then we biked (finally used our newly acquired used trail-a-bike!) to a friend who had power but was as bored as we are.

With the playdate yesterday I kept the girls interested in each other by printing out some Caillou paper dolls. Quite a lot of time went into coloring and cutting these out... even more time than it takes to watch the shows we made with them today.

Hurricane Sandy Part 11 - ND's interpretations

In regard to a phone line down outside, I said "Whenever you see anything like that, it could be a power line and you can never touch it."

ND: Yeah, only the police can touch it. Not even them. The in charge police guy maybe.


In regard to a picture of people walking down a flooded street.

ND: They didn't know it would be like that? That's why they didn't bring their swimsuits?

Passion

I consider myself very lucky to be the sort of Jew who has had lots of opportunity to explore, grow and change. Rather than be born into a single form of Judaism, I've had the chance to choose it over time.

Over the years I've felt the desire to learn and do more and more. Simultaneously I've been driven towards Orthodox Judaism because I've wanted to "do Judaism" by the rules in order to uncover the more hidden benefits that are nestled inside the mitzvot that don't always make sense.

Very sadly, throughout my life, these two desires -- passion for more and a desire to be with the Orthodox community -- eventually collided repeatedly and destructively.

The time they would do this, more than any other, was at Sukkot and then Simchat Torah. These are times of celebration when all our strict observance throughout the year and especially of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur suddenly explodes into celebration. On Sukkot there is a powerful segment in which we hold lulav and etrog and circle the Torah, praying for Hoshanot which, in my understanding, is a sort of request for continued closeness with G-d in addition to actual deliverance. Then on Simchat Torah there is joyous dancing with Torah in the arms and singing until you're hoarse. Such beautiful expressions of passion for Torah.

Well, as long as you're allowed to do them.

Because in many factions of Orthodox Judaism, if you are a woman, the more you love the Torah, more contained you need to be and the greater distance you need to keep.

Every year the crescendo of the year grows, and then suddenly as we reach the peak, women simply step aside.

Now in my community there is a recent alternative minyan that meets occasionally called Tiferet. It follows the model of Shira Hadasha minyanim in which women and men both participate in the service within halakhic bounds -- actual bounds, not the more artificial ones that have become custom or habit in the majority of Orthodox minyanim. (As an example, women can lead psukei dzimrah, kabbalat shabbat or hallel, but not the portions of the service that require a minyan. In addition, we need a mechitza and cannot count in a minyan.)

I wasn't sure I wanted to become involved. I was nervous about whether it really would be halakhic and even wondered about the motivations of others involved, if they wanted some kind of less serious version of Judaism. But a few years ago our Rabbi triumphantly led the men of our shul outside for Hoshanot and, because I'd asked ahead of time, he made an announcement that women could walk in a circle too. No one did because there was no leadership. I had to struggle to retain any of the prescribed joy of the holiday and I wanted to go home. The men themselves didn't seem terribly enthusiastic. The rabbi was trying hard to bring them into the process emotionally, but their singing was quiet, the tone was lackadaisical. They were missing the simcha that I'd had moments before and that I'd never have a chance to share with the community.

So that's when Evan, the founder of Tiferet approached me. I didn't have to explain how I was feeling. He'd seen this many times before with other women which is exactly the reason he had started the minyan.

I became involved, reluctantly at first, and asked a lot of questions that helped me feel more confident in the halakhic nature of the minyan. I found that I just enjoyed being there more than I did in shul. Then Evan asked me to join the board, and I did, again, reluctantly. Then I accidentally joined a committee that planned an incredible Torah learning event during the summer, and now I realized I'm hooked.

Even more recently, I agreed to coordinate readers for Torah leyning. Since I was having difficulty filling the rotation for our first holiday service (second day of Sukkot), I decided it was time to take the plunge and learn to read myself.

I can't say it was completely new to me. I've read megillah for several years and I've read a few psukim for a women's Simchat Torah leyning, but I wasn't sure I understood the trope correctly. This time I worked and I worked at it, checking in with 4 different people, including U., to make sure I was on target.

In addition, I was asked if I would lead the Hoshanot service. I'd waffled many times before when Evan or Akiva (who co-plans the nitty gritty details with him) had approached me but this time there was no question.

So yesterday Evan held the Torah between the men's and women's side. The men circled on their side, the women circled on theirs, and everyone participated with me calling out the Hashonot in my loudest proudest voice. Let me say that again... everyone participated. Even ND walked beside me carrying her own toy lulav and etrog and didn't once tug on my sleeve or try to speak to me. She could feel the importance. That night when we talked about the good and bad of our day she even named that as one of her most important things.

The leyning, too, was successful. I feel great that I could contribute, proud of what I accomplished, appreciative that others seemed inspired when they approached me afterwards and said, "Was that really your first time?!"

But more important than that, I was allowed to have the passion that the Torah asks of us. I was allowed to pass it on to those around me who maybe are more ambivalent. How often do we hear laments about a lack of passion in the Jewish world, a lack of spirituality, a lack of leadership?

I have it. Thank you for letting me have it. Thank you for letting me, and my passion, lead.

In Time For ND's birthday

I'd love to write about the actual details of her birthday when I get some time, but meanwhile, here's a link to an article of mine that was published today. The website belongs to a doula friend of mine who asked if I could contribute an article with reflections on ND's birth. I didn't mean to finish the process with her right on this date, but I guess birth is on my mind near the birthday!

The Nature Of Thanksgiving

So ND -- who turns 5 in a few weeks -- commented that since Thanksgiving is a holiday, we will probably be reading Torah that day. I said that no, not really. Well, we do read Torah on Thursdays, but not because it's Thanksgiving. It's not a Jewish holiday, I explained.

She thought about this awhile and about an hour later determined that if Thanksgiving is not a Jewish holiday, then "Non-Jews read Torah on Thanksgiving."

Summer Summary 2011 - Cancun, Haines Falls, Portland, Alaska

What a fabulous summer this has been. Unbelievable.

Things I accomplished around the house: cleaning out a few rooms (no, not as many as I thought, but more than if I had done none), finally clearing plastic flowers from flower boxes left here by previous owners, lots of time with ND etc.

Things I accomplished in writing: Had hoped to write for 40 hours, but got to about 32, not counting whatever I might squeeze in in the next few days. Sent out over a dozen pieces of writing. To date have received 2 rejections of a story and 4 poetry rejections, but accompanied with one acceptance to The Aurorean. (Fall/winter issue... maybe I'll post a link for that if it becomes available later.)

Then there are the trips.

I already wrote a plethora about Mexico. See previous posts labeled "Second Honeymoon" beginning with "We Actually Did It!"

Then there was the camping trip with emarcy with whom we've gone every year since I was pregnant with ND in 2006.

After that I had a few weeks of home to finish some things up and get ready for Portland. In Portland I visited a few friends... strange because there are fewer of them I want to see, less to talk about, etc., but I still feel so refreshed after returning to my roots.

In Portland (click on "Portland" for pics) we hit The Enchanted Forest (incidentally, I've been trying for over a decade to figure out how to write about my obsession with this place and now, as a mom, I think I finally know my hook. We also did The Oregon Zoo and Seaside. (You Jersey shore people know nothing of beach beauty. Nothing. Please forgive my arrogance on this, but it's too entirely different worlds.)

The second week of our Portland trip, ND attended Tryon Creek Day Camp.

Then... off on Alaskan cruise!!!!

Here are my parents' pics.

Here are ours.

We were together for nearly everything, except in Juneau. There my parents and ND went to a nature center at the bottom of the Mendenhall Glacier. U. and I took a helicopter ride to the top where we hiked with crampons. Probably the coolest thing I've ever done in my life.

Now we're back and I have just a few days left to scramble together doing things like unpacking and blogging about the summer. Then onto a new year with new students, new fulfillment and an occasional glance both backwards and forwards at summers.

(8/29/11) Please note I've just added an addendum with one more event at this blog post.)

Young Meditation

Right now I'm putting ND to bed. She started crying when she had a scary thought, so I laid down with her and helped her. We've read Peaceful Piggy Meditation a few times, so I used that as a reference and then talked about imagining a blue sky and letting the thoughts be like clouds or birds that come and go.

She tried it for a minute, then said she was picturing the feelings as pictures in a frame. I think she meant a digital frame, but I'm not sure. I loved her analogy and that she could take ownership of this process so I asked if I could write about it on my computer in a place that everyone could see and that I would do it right now. She said yes. So here it is.

P.S. After posting this message I looked down and saw she'd fallen asleep.

ND's end of the year celebration

Can't believe she's graduating and heading for pre-k!

Love how self-assured she is when she walks on in the first video with her picture projected behind her.

...and Saturday's question

"Why did the dinosaurs only used to be?"

Casheshesher

We've been doing some goal-setting in our house lately. And U. invited ND to join in. He asked if she'd like to set a goal for herself and earn herself a prize. In the end, we chose the goal... a series of days of eating a salad each day. This is just to help increase vegetable intake and, hopefully, help her like more options.

So far so good. She has only 4 days left, and her prize is sitting in a box in my office. The prize she asked for, a casheshesher. A picture of the one we ordered is below:

I-Interactions

I've been thinking of writing an actual article about this... consider this a brief draft.

As a parent I have discovered that a sure way to make for an incomplete, dissatisfying or downright distressing evening is through too much multitasking. Well, multitasking of the wrong sort anyway. I can cook and interact with ND, but I can't do anything school related. It's been a blessing for me as, when I come home, I devote that time to her and my household instead of work. This has been as good for me as for her.

Multitasking takes us out of the moment. It works against anything inside us that is trying to be present at all and to actual enjoy what is transpiring or what we are doing (however mundane).

I hate iphones and the like because of this. I hate being in a room of people while some small part of them is wired out of the room and away from me.

There is one small exception to this.

U. got an ipod Touch recently. It's mostly been a little less useful to us than we had hoped. Fun to have, but definitely a toy rather than a tool at this point. We've gradually developed some rules or routines about when to use and when not to, because we don't want it getting in the way of our family interactions.

So it has been a lovely surprise to find one way in which it actually brings me closer to people. My parents and half-brother live 3000 miles away. I talk to my parents once or twice a week, although often it's hard to know what to talk about. I talk to my brother far less frequently. I would prefer to be with them, sharing an activity, but that is seemingly impossible at this distance.

Now here's the thing... There is a game on our i-gadgets called Words With Friends. It's basically Scrabble that you can play long-distance. It is now a part of my weekly routine to be engaged in a game with any one of them... sometimes multiple games. And when I play a word while on the exercise bike in the morning, or right after dinner in the evening, I'm interacting, however briefly. Sometimes, too, U. and I conspire together, helping to figure out what move to make, and sometimes we let ND actually move those letters onto the "board."

It can become addictive, and I have to be careful I don't jump away from my immediate family mid-conversation when I hear that little chime go off on the iPod, telling me it's my turn. We have to keep each other in check sometimes. But I have to admit, this is one time when this little home-wrecking piece of metal is bringing me closer to someone, instead of further away.

Memory and Figuring It Out

On Sunday ND asked me why we don't get ice cream much.

I said that in the winter ice cream isn't a good food because our bodies wants opposites. When it's cold out, we want hot food, and vice versa.

Last night, though, U. treated her to an ice cream bar. (She was ecstatic.) She's sitting at the table with us, munching on it, and said, "Why the opposites?"

We were both confused. She clarified. "Why does our body like opposites?"

I'm stunned she was still processing this. I explained again, adding in Goldilocks and the 3 bears with too hot, too cold and just right and our body craving just right. She seemed satisfied. Maybe I'll ask her today what kinds of food our bodies like in summer.

Ice Skating

Took ND ice skating for the first time tonight. She helped create a metaphor that is a good reminder for me. Every time she worked really hard at moving forward, she ended up flailing around and falling down. When she relaxed and trusted me, the skates and the ice to take her, she moved rather well.

I love learning to try less hard and just let good things emerge.

4

Just got back from a weekend Hazon conference. Was gone 2 nights... my first 2 whole nights away from ND. She and U. had a fabulous time. I guess we're at a point now when we can do this. I feel like she's grown so much just in time for her 4th birthday... so mature.

Tonight she asked if she could floss like me. I actually had a little disposable flosser from the dentist and it said, "Not for use by children under 4." ND twirled around in a circle and cried out, "I'm so proud that I'm 4 and I can use this to floss!"

I truly have to go to bed now, but please pressure me to write about this conference... there's a lot to say.

About that playdate

Just got permission from the other child's mom to post these videos about the aforementioned playdate:

Reb ND

Two Jewish moments to share from ND:

1. On the first night of Sukkot, ND declared she was not tired, but in fact was SO tired that she fell asleep in my arms at the table during bentsching. We told her about this the next day and she wanted to try again. So during the second night she sat on my lap, shouted out "I'm not tired," then threw herself backwards into my arms. She did this many many times.

2. Breishit. At school they obviously read a book about creation. She told me they had read about Hashem creating the world. We talked about that a little, how Hashem had created plants etc. Then she said, "Yes, Hashem created the fl... fl... fl.." Obviously she was mimicking her teacher priming the kids to say what was in the picture from their read-aloud. So I said, "Flowers."

"Right," she said. "And Hashem created the g... g... g..."

"Grass?"

"Right. And Hashem created the t... t... t..."

"Trees?"

"No!" with utter disdain in her voice. "The tomatoes!"

ND

Haven't just written about ND for awhile. A few things...

1. Her cutest word right now is "ooh-zha-lee" as in, "Ooh-zha-lee Mom takes me to school, but today Dad is taking me and Mom is picking me up."

2. Over Sukkot we had one day scheduled to have guests. (Sadly, we had a mix-up and they couldn't make it.) ND helped me set the tables. We put out plates and silverware and arranged the tables. We had the big outdoor table for the adults and, a tiny picnic table right next to us so the kids could sit together. We were figuring out just who would sit where and ND suggested we move the picnic table to line up in such a way that "All the people could sit..." here she paused, trying to figure out just the right words, "could sit with their darlings."

3. As a child I always wanted to do things myself. ND is the same and more so. We find her tasks to do as much as we can. Some favorites that keep her busy are carrying cole slaw, ice or soup nuts to the table, making deviled eggs almost entirely herself, and getting dressed while I take my shower each morning.

What else do you want to know about her? I want to document, but can't think what else to say! Leave me a comment and I'll try to tell more.

Some random videos to enjoy: